Crapping Etiquette
by The Brown Bomber of Deer Park

A subject almost never discussed, but one that is very important to all men is the proper etiquette of taking a crap.

First let's examine the approach.

When one first feels the urge to deposit one's fecal material in a proper receptacle is that the time to make your move so to speak. Those proponents who subscribe to this idea think that one must move as soon as the first cramp doubles them over or as soon as they pass the first turd laced fart. There are pro's and con's to this approach. The pro's are that the quicker one defecates the less embarrassing the situation. You see a crap is usually proceeded by copious farting, thus rendering one a social outcast.

Con's are (and this is proven) that it takes longer to shit if one rushes into it. Also the turd or turds in question don't hold together well. They break up on re-entry, thus taking away from the esthetic value of the crap. Nothing is less appealing than a toilet full of broken up MilkDud sized turds. A third con is that with a rushed crap one stands a lesser chance of plugging up said toilet due to the size of the turds and the fact that it takes less toilet paper to wipe after a MilkDud crap. This only applies to craps taken outside one's own home, i.e.: service stations, restaurants, public restrooms, etc., etc. We will discuss this later in this work.

Pro's are one has adequate time to select proper reading material. There is time to ensure an ample supply of toilet paper and most importantly, there is time to ensure that the facility in question is indeed available.

The other side of the crap coin is the notion that the crap is worth the wait. There are those who believe (and I am one of them) that a crap should be put off until the last minute. There is no need to jump and run at the sound of the first fart or the gut wrenching pinch of the first cramp. By no means should panic cause one to dash for the nearest toilet. If one knows his own rectum then one should be able to accurately determine the exact time to take a crap in order to maximize length, width, texture and odor. Hold off until the last minute. Pack the shoot so-to-speak. The pro's and con's of this concept are as follows; Con's are a certain amount of embarrassment due to walking quickly to the toilet bent double. The walk is usually accompanied by copious farting with every step. This applies to anywhere one happens to be. Church is especially embarrassing. A second con is the lack of time to ensure an ample supply of toilet paper. The third con is the lack of time to actually determine if the facility of desire is vacant. The fourth and final con is that the longer the wait the bigger the turd. It is not length that matters, it is girth. Any attempt to expel a turd roughly the diameter of a softball can be extremely painful and can lead to serious injury or blackout.

There are pro's. One is that the longer the wait the smoother the turd. The longer the wait, the longer the turd also. As mentioned before this can lead to the use of extra toilet paper resulting in a plugged toilet. While not advocated in one's own home, public facilities are fair game. Not only does one get a certain amount of satisfaction at having plugged a toilet, there is a humorous side too. Just thinking of some poor individual, who, like yourself is a "Waiter" running in to the restroom at the last possible minute and finding the toilet plugged, causes one to chuckle.

Now we will cover the paper work aspect of shitting or as it is known in the trade "wiping". First we must examine the roll of paper. Some prefer embossed, some prefer perfumed, some even prefer decorator colors. There are arguments to be made for all. More importantly is how is the roll going to be distributed on the dispenser? Do you prefer "over-roll" or "under-roll"? The way the paper is dispensed can prove mentally unsettling. Those who like their paper to roll over the top or front seem to be more in command of their crapping. The paper comes off easily without tearing into individual sheets which can be very messy. Under-rollers are usually unsure and have low self esteem.

Secondly do you prefer to wad or fold your paper. "Folders" are neatness freaks but run the risk of putting a finger through the folded paper resulting in what is known as a "magic marker", suitable for writing on stall walls. "Wadders" are take charge people. They take the bull by the horns. It is safe to shake hands with "Wadders". There are those who use a wadded fold technique. It seems to work well and can provide enough paper for a good plug up.

The last issue is the flush. Should one flush midway through the crap? I have found that it is essential to flush midway if the crap occurs at home and you are a "Waiter" who wads. This will save you the trouble of plunging the plug. Residential toilets do not have the flushing power of commercial toilets. If on the other hand you are in public, by no means mid-flush or mercy flush. This is especially true if you are on a commercial airliner. In fact don't flush afterwards either. If at all possible exit the toilet and leave the door ajar.

This in-depth examination may help you in the future to take control of your life and your bowels and to use them to become a more self-assured individual.