Crapping 101

Review our guidelines for courteous crapping and rush up on your crapping skills. First, there are some basic skills that need to be refined before you can become a gentleman crapper.

Skills Development (Pre Crapping)

Scouting
This is a critical skill that will give you the vital preliminary information to quickly analyze the crapping situation, complete a needs/risk assessment, develop crapping scenarios, select a plan of action and begin implementation. There are two phases of the scouting step to be mastered—the external glance and the internal glance.

The external glance is applicable for both commercial and residential use. To execute a proper external glance, bring a combination of auditory, olfactory and visual senses to bear on the situation. Check hallways and passageways to determine any potential external signs of current usage and/or upcoming usage by unwelcome fellow employees or party guests. This can become even more critical in social setttings when there is only one unisex facility available.

The internal glance is more for public facilities with multiple stalls but is important in all situations. This is where you must acertain if the facility is occupied, clean or stocked with the necessary supplies for your upcoming delivery (toilet paper, paper towels, soap, perfume or other sprayable scent, water, etc.). It is important to make sure that you have all of the tools for a successful crap.

Needs Assessment - Risk v. Reward
This is most critical when dealing with social situations, especially if there is someone of the opposite sex around who would not be impressed with poor crapping performances. In this step, you must plug in the information from your scouting and examine the variables. This is the risk and reward stage. How bad do you have to go versus what is the potential for long-term embarassment from friends, family or co-workers. By determining your need, you can then develop crapping scenarios that will allow you to fulfill your mission. Note: Remember, you don't want to be blamed for a foul crap that you didn't make.

Dress
Wearing the proper clothing and footware for crapping is just as important as crapping itself. Skilled crappers wear clothing that is loose fitting so as not to put any extra pressure on the digestive system thereby preventing premature crapping emergencies. Clothing that is easy to remove is important also, especially if you eat foods that generate crapping emergencies. In addition, skilled crappers wear undistinguishable footwear so others will not be able to make positive identifications by looking at the shoes under the stall. Note: Serious crappers always wear underwear so that if they have an accident, they can remove the underwear and throw it away like a diaper and carry on unphased. (Seniors can go ahead and just wear diapers).

Skills Development (During Crapping)

Once your risk v. reward has been determined and you are ready to implement your plan you will need to utilize other skills to ensure success.

Stall Selection
This can vary depending on the type of facility you are entering but a few general rules apply. If you crap in a certain place on a regular basis (i.e. the office), try to find an out of the way crapper, far from ones that guests will use. Also try other floors in your building. The keys to a good crap are privacy and anonimity.

One stall - It is either occupied or not. Weigh risk v. reward and implement plan. If risk is high, find other options.

Two stalls - If none are occupied, select the stall furthest from the door, urinals, sinks or other places where potential crappers congregate unless it is fouled beyond use. If one is occupied, only take the second stall in severe emergencies. Crapping etiquette requires that you give crappers a full one stall buffer unless there is a dire emergency. Don't linger in hopes that the crapper will finish. Leave and either continue scouting for a good return plan or find another location.

Three stalls - Never, ever take the middle stall unless it is a dire emergency or the others are fouled beyond use.

The Cough
When you are occupying a stall, give a little cough to indicate to others that you are there and should be given the courtesy due all crappers. Practice your cough to ensure that it is loud enough and projects past the stall door. Also work on timing. Also give a cough when you enter a public facility. Highly skilled crappers will give you a cough in return to indicate that they are there and know the rules of crapping too. Loud humming or the shuffling of reading materials can be a substitute but is not recommended as it is not very good etiquette. Toe tapping is also quite effective.

Talking
Talking for urinators is within the bounds of good urinating etiquette, especially when urinals are uncomfortably close. However, talking during crapping is a big no no. It is never proper to talk to a crapper or for a crapper to talk to another toilet occupant. Nobody wants to make small talk with someone who has a curly steamer coming out of their ass! Just don't do it!

Reading Materials
This is a brilliant time to brush up on your trade publications or gossip mags. While newspapers are acceptable, they can be unweildy especially in a tight stall. Pornography is never the choice of serious crappers. Erections do not lend themselves to the easing of the sphinctor muscles and the free flow of fecal matter.

Skills Development (Post Crapping)

This is the stage where it will be determined if your crapping venture has been successful. By timing your crap you can escape without others knowing it was you who fouled the toilet. If you can reach the sinks and start washing up you have almost made it. You can always pretend that you were a urinator and had nothing to do with the foulest of vapors eminating from the stall. Of course, nobody will believe you so it is better to get out unseen all together. Note: Serious crappers always wash.

The Bathroom Attendant
This is the most vile of all people because they ensure that no crap could be private or anonymous. If you are faced with a bathroom attendant, try to find an alternative crapping facility. If you can't, then be prepared. The bathroom attendant will expect to interact with you after your crap. They will skillfully turn on the water and squirt soap for you. In fact, by their presence, they actually discourage people from washing. By knowing how to deal with them, you can exact some amount of revenge.

When dealing with the attendant be friendly and straightforward. No need for small talk. Just do your business and get out. However, take revenge on them by using at least three different perfumes or colognes, taking at least three pieces of gum using six towels and two cups of soap. Tipping: Make sure to have a $1 bill ready in a shirt pocket or other easily accessible area so as to plop it into the basket quickly and efficiently. While tipping a person for helping you wash your hands is completely ridiculous, you must way the risk v. reward here. Remember the overall goal and stay focussed and you will be OK. For maximum revenge, wipe your ass with the $1 bill.

Conclusion

While crapping is a bodily function, it can be an art. By learning and using the proper crapping skills and etiquette you too can become a highly-skilled gentleman crapper.