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A Day in the Life of a Hey! I used to be a toilet cleaner here in the wet n windy Midlands of the UK... I hated my job but wrote a couple of tales about my experiences... It's a very unpleasant and thankless task being a public toilet attendant. A job nobody wants, and yet somebody has got to do it. I spent three months working for a small Midlands town council doing precisely this job and what follows is an account of a typical day in the life of a cleaner. The main characters have been reduced to initials in order to protect the author from expensive law suits. 12:03 London Road toilets Just started my afternoon shift, having taken the place of S.A. She has changed since she was attacked. (She was slashed across the arm by a junkie and had £250 stolen...) Her voice is a barely audible mumble, her hair is lank and greasy and she’s very nervous. Unsurprising. It was a vicious and unprovoked attack and is the sort of thing that one must be wary of in such a vile job. She no longer cycles home, she took a minicab. This is a depressing room. Cramped, hot and sloppily decorated. It’s rather like being in a jail cell. 12:12 S.G., the snidey one, has just been here. She just HAD to tell me that I’d not put the walkie talkie on to charge yesterday at St. Marks. (N.B. St. Marks is another of the town’s toilet blocks and is a real haven for junkies and muggers.) The rotten little troll made the journey on the pretence of bringing two cans of air freshener and a bottle of windowlene over to London Rd. She is a twisted old ratbag and I don’t know whether to pity or loathe her. We’ll see. So, here goes nothing. Another day with “The shit shack redemption” I shall go and check the cubicles and see what delights they have in store for me. 12:22 All clean, all quiet. Well, not 100% clean. Someone had pissed in Men’s No.2 and not flushed, but these people are always going to be filthy buggers. 12:32 Five minutes ago, LY came in looking for screwdrivers and rawlplugs. He wandered around exuding hellishly fake bonhomie and to be honest, I don’t like or trust him one little bit. His weird obsession about drawing scantily clad musclemen makes me shudder, and I can’t wait until the day that I see the last of him. He was prattling on about a broken toilet roll holder at the Gilstrap Centre, and it seems that word has spread that I turned up to Tolney Lane (Another toilet block...) yesterday instead of London Rd. Bollocks to the gossipy little turds, I won’t be doing this much longer, but they will all die in the saddle. 12:39 Ginger beer. Mmmm... Just the thing I needed. It's one of life’s small pleasures, but it has powerfully cheery qualities. I wish I could drink it at home and not here. 12:43 Unhappy hour begins! School-kids. Noisy, troublesome and irritating. Hoping for a quiet day usually begets trouble and strife. Why do kids hang around toilets? I never did and no-one I knew did either. This is a strange and unpleasant town. What joy is there to be had from a block of toilets situated in a car park? I guess I’ll never know. It’s one of life’s more useless mysteries, and maybe one that’s better left unsolved. 13:05 An old man wearing a huge black cowboy hat and smoking a big, stupid pipe has just walked in. Where on Earth do these oddbods come from? Most amusing for me, but what kind of abuse does a hat like that generate? It must attract it’s share of derision! What a belter! 13:36 CARDIACS on the muzak machine. LY has just left again, having regaled me with exciting tales of broken brackets, blocked urinals and boot sales. I need to calm down a bit, it’s all too much to take! Things are quietening down a tad. A few stragglers from school lunch, but nothing to get on these stretched nerves just now! 14:00 There came a pair of owl-like eyes at my window. A middle aged biddy! (I knew she’d be trouble. Here is a transcript of our conversation... I’m in italics!) “Y’know your machine? The one you put money in?” “Er, sorry. Which machine is this?” “To get a car park ticket, well it just took my money! Sixty pence!” “Well, it’s not my...” “Oh, it’s not your...” “No.” “What do you suggest I do?” I was tempted to say something unsavoury at this point, but I am not a bad man. I told her to call the number on the machine. She muttered about doctor’s appointments, and I walked away unthanked. 14:10 A rancid smell has drifted in my room. It’s air freshener time. I feel woozy! 14:12 This has not improved matters. Now I need to sneeze. This is not good at all. Outside for some air, I think! 14:17 A lanky loony with a ‘Mastercare’ sweatshirt came and asked me about the car park ticket machine. He put 50p in, even though the thing is jammed solid with coins. I told him to call the number. He muttered about doctor’s appointments and I walked away unthanked. 14:20 A huge baseball cap with a big leaf on it. Across the leaf, it said “New Zealand." Under the hat, an old man... Another oldie came in on a home-made wheelchair with hand cranked ‘pedals.' He nodded at me, I sprayed the air and nodded. This is a job where you meet all the finest prime nutters in town. It’s the darndest thing. 14:30 Time for another patrol. I wonder whether I’ll find anything worth calling Norris McWhirter for? 14:32 A few skids and a traffic warden. Better check the ladies... 14:35 Unflushed pee, a regretful woman wishing that she had flushed and a tampon applicator tube floating around. Good rehearsal, kids. 14:57 Just had another pair of owl-like eyes pop up. This time it was the boss, JB. She brought a baby changing mat, and a cold feeling to the air. She ought to work in a mortuary, she would go down a storm with the punters. Anyway, she took the time cards, spare keys and the air out of the room. She’s gone. I think it’s time for a cup o’ tea... 15:12 A woman with piled up hair has come in for the second time today and as before, stood at the sinks washing ‘something.' I know not what but she was constantly adjusting her clothing and acting oddly. I think it was harmless, but what was she up to? Better go and check to see whether anything has occurred... 15:16 No. Everything is clean and dry. Whatever she was up to, it has caused me no extra work. I am content. 15:36 The regretful woman has been back, and I can only assume that something crawled up her arse and died. She’s stunk the whole building out. Nasty! I’ve sprayed but that’s nothing against her awesome power of stench. We’ll be getting complaints from Norway over this one. 15:42 Bored. Feeling sleepy. Want to hit the sack, but too far away. A long wait ahead, hope something entertaining happens before I start to snore like an after dinner Elvis. 15:44 A midget has walked in. Business is looking good after all. 15:57 Noisy little kids playing in the toilets. Scared ‘em off with my big face. How nice it would be to think that these poor children stand a chance in this life. How sad then, is the inevitable failure of the system that they are being dragged through, to emerge on the other side as a criminal, unemployable or worst of all, a toilet cleaner. 16:30 Quiet. A little woman with a huge bunch of flowers, struggling to keep them under control. A dull looking man wandered in, looked through my window and wandered out again. I’m going to have a spray and a patrol. It’s so whiffy in here today... 16:34 No-one about and nothing to report. A very unpleasant looking man bought some condoms from the machine earlier. He’s either got very lucky or he has hope in his heart. Whichever one it is, I wish his partner the very best of luck. I imagine that this quiet patch will come to an end when I close off the toilets for the final clean. Everyone will be bursting for a wee and cursing me for my audacity in locking, buffing and mopping. As if I’d do it for fun... 16:54 Righto! Kettle going on ready for the last tango in the toilets. Mopping duty, ’ten-SHUN! 17:00 Men’s shut and locked. The sign is out instructing punters to use the disabled toilet. Let’s see how many people find this confusing. 17:01 First confused punter! Unbelievable! 17:07 Right. This is where it gets nasty! Brush in hand and disinfectant. It’s time for a close up on those skids. 17:16 She’s still wrestling those flowers. Maybe she thinks that they are her child. Big bunch o’ blooms. 17:24 That’s taken care of the Mens lavs. Let’s take a rest and worry about the Ladies. It’s usually worse than anything that the men can concoct. I am not looking forward to this at all. 17:32 Another confused punter. I feel the need to leave now! I’m going to clean like fury. Watch me now!! 17:50 Done. Finito! It’s been quite a day as you can see, but now I am marking time until I can go home. Right up until the last, they come in to pee. It’s like they chew senna pods all day and drink Foster’s to really get a widdle on. Well. I am tired and looking forward to getting out of here. Just a little while longer. 17:55 And still they come... 17:59 Clocking out. 18:00 Good night, shitehawks. ULTRA REGARDS,
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