Sugar & Spice and Everything Not So Nice
by Ms. Grandenko, CQ Female Crapping Correspondent

Everyone knows that little girls are made of sugar and spice, and everything nice. But sometimes to much sugar and spice does not come out so nice. Let's face it, females crapping is equivalent to females sweating; it just does not happen. So how are we, my sisters, suppose to hide our natural human functions from let's say, "Mr. Right" or at least "Mr. Right Now?" Below are some scenarios and handy solutions to make that certain gentleman believe that although you are not always so nice, you are made of sugar and spice.

Scenario One:
You and Mr. "At the Moment" are sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie. You begin to feel some rumbling in your stomach. You have been dating this guy for months, so the butterflies are definitely gone. You know that what is coming out is what I call "silent but deadly." What do you do?

1. Pretend you have a leg cramp. This will enable you to walk around and preferable to another room to release the cramping feeling in your stomach. A bad choice is the bathroom, too obvious. A great choice is a roommate's room (either his or yours). If there is an odor, they will just think the roommate is a pig.

2. Get some water. This is good if apartment is a loft. You open the refrigerator and as you bend over to get the water, you release. The bending over will let the hot air rise up. Remember to keep the refrigerator door open. If there is an odor, you can blame it on the rotting food. This may not be useful if the guy is actually a gentleman, and go gets you the water. But it is rare that this will happen; please, what guy today is actually a gentleman?

Scenario Two:
Mr. "Possibility" has decided to taken you to a gathering at his parent's house. While you trying to fit the mold of the cool girlfriend, you get that not so fresh feeling inside your stomach. The taco salad you had for lunch (because you were trying to make him think that you would rather have a salad than a Philly cheese steak sandwich just oozing with melted cheese) has decided to do the cucarracha in your belly. What do you do?

1. Find the family dog and pet it. This is useful if you know that only a gaseous release is going to occur. If there is an odor, you can always blame it on the dog. Remember to act as though the dog has just launch a rocket in your face. Most of the men will think it is funny and his mother will blame the dog. This may be a disadvantage to you, if the gases continue and the dog is sent out of the house.

2. Locate the furthest bathroom. Go on a hunt for the furthest bathroom from the party. Be advised that you have to do the dudo lighting fast. You don't want to sit and relax, because his mother may start to wonder where you disappeared to. Remember she is showing you off to the family. If you happen to get caught coming out or back, quickly state that either the house was to big and you got lost, or that it is beautiful and you were looking at all the nice stuff around.

Scenario Three:
It has come to the point in your relationship, where you are spending nights at each other's place. You went out for a great dinner and had a bottle of wine. I don't know about you, but wine gives me the runs after a while. You beg and plead with your stomach to just wait until Mr. Fulfilling My Needs is asleep. If he is a heavy sleeper, don't worry, the flushing will not wake him up. But if he is a light sleeper, what do you do?

1. Do a courtesy flush. This is useful in any situation at a household residence. My suggestion is to have the sink water running for the second flush. This will hide the fact that you needed to do a courtesy flush. It will also make him think that you are washing your hands extra clean. Once you are done, quickly exit the bathroom and get into bed saving your little secret. Remember to leave the door only slightly open, in case there was an odor. Also pray to God, that he does not decide to also use the rest room.

2. Use an air freshener. If you are at your place, you have no fear, you know that there is an air freshener. If you are at his, you may be out of luck. Your best bets are to search high and low for the aerosol deodorant can or spray cologne. In both situations, you need to flush for a second time in order to hide the noise the air freshener makes and to hide you searching for the best bets. Another useful hint can be to dump a large quantity of mouthwash in the sink causing a "minty" fresh odor in the air. If you get caught, you can always say that you wanted to avoid morning breath.

Well here are just a few suggestions. As I continue to discover and test other solutions, I promise, my sisters I will inform you. Together we stand in a promise to remain made of SUGAR and not so many SPICES.