Tales From the Crapper - Bordello of Bleach
by Dr. Svinktor

It was a good day. It was my birthday. I had to take a crap. Badly.

My folks were in town and we were all at the mall. After strolling from store to store looking for that perfect shirt, we settled in at the Gap. And then it happened. It was just a small tremor at first, but quickly gained momentum and became a powerful spasm. My bowels were twisting and quivering as if a 9.4 earthquake were ripping through my intestines. I had to act fast.

Although the excruciating pain was causing my toes to curl, I was able to maintain my composure and casually mention to my parents that a trip to the restroom was now in order. Yes, right now. We leisurely went in search of a men's room while the pressure in my colon continued to build at an alarming rate. The harder I clenched, the higher the pressure rose. It soon became a battle of sheer will. Mind over matter - fecal matter, that is.

As I looked at the happy shoppers milling about, I wondered if any of them could comprehend the magnitude of the war being waged right in front of them. And there it was - like a beacon of hope shining in the darkest night of doom. The Food Court. Certainly my deliverance could not be far now! And, yes, the most beautiful sight my now clouded eyes had ever seen arose before me - The Men's Room.

My heart raced in anticipation. My pace quickened as I left my parents far behind to enter the room where all would be good again. The place where pain would be replaced by intense relief and the pungent, bitter-sweet odor of victory. The echoes from my footsteps on the cold tiles was music to my ears. And, alas, the gods of defecation were smiling upon me this day - I was alone! The entire pleasure palace was mine to command, and mine alone.

I quickly assessed the stall situation and chose the cleanest one. I tore my pants down to my ankles and barely got my boxers away from the pressure release valve before all Hell broke loose. The sounds of my success resounded throughout the Place of Porcelain and I nearly passed out from the intense pressure change within my body cavity. I painted the porcelain like Picasso, using both wide and narrow strokes as I utilized every available color from my pallette of poop. As I lost myself in my strategic plannings of how I could best utilize the available toilet paper on this mess, the hinges of the bathroom door creaked loudly and an unknown form entered my domain. Good timing, I thought, as I finished calculating the number of rools of TP I needed to complete the task at hand.

And then I heard something very puzzling at the far end of The Room. It sounded like a splash of liquid on the floor. Perhaps he spilled a cup of coffee? There it was again. The splash. What the - there it went again - and it was getting closer!!! Splash!!! And now the horrfic scent of bleach filled the air! It had to be the janitor coming to clean the bathroom. SPLASH! Just two stalls down and coming this way!!

I fidgeted, tried to make sounds to let this insane assailant know I was there. SPLASH!! Right next door! I could see the bleach eating through the film of filth on the floor of the stall next to me. I tried to cough but the fear locked my throat. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide!! My eyes widened in sheer terror and my heart nearly exploded from my chest as the cup of bleach entered my Sacred Space with its acrid stink and its burning mass and splashed all over my shoes!!

I was paralyzed. Would I spend the rest of my life here? Is this how it ends? Suddenly a gruff voice interupted my musings with a blunt, "Sorry". It was the janitor who realized what he had done. The Splash now sounded to my left and contined moving away while I put the finishing touches on the paperwork.

As I dressed, I could see the mop head invading the stalls one by one like a crazed rapist and decided it was time to leave. I quickly washed up as the startled Janitor busied himself with his work. I opened the door and the burst of fresh air made my dizzy as I made my way back to my parents.

If you catch me on a good day and I'm feeling extra neighborly, I just may show you the bleach stains on my shoes.....