The Cock (Oxford Circus)

This is a typical London pub in the West End just off Oxford Street near the Oxford Circus Tube stop. The place can get a bit crowded during after work hours on Friday but other nights are reasonable. Try the upstairs for a more low key atmosphere. The Ayerangerbrau beer is worth a visit. A good safe place to go when duty calls during the week but don't count on it for the weekend.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

The Argyle Arms (Oxford Circus)

A typical London pub in the West End just off Oxford Street near the Oxford Circus Tube stop. A good safe place to go when duty calls.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

O'Neill's (Oxford Circus)

This is a chain of London pubs. The best place for a cold Guiness. Restrooms are downstairs. A good safe place to go when duty calls.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

The Slug & Lettuce

The stylish Slug and Lettuce bars have consistently evolved to ensure they remain one of the UK's most contemporary drinking and eating venues. Located on Wardour Street, this is a snooty lounge type of place but is a good safe place to go when duty calls. Restrooms are downstairs. Visit them at www.slugandlettuce.co.uk

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

The St. Giles Hotel

This business hotel just off Oxford Street is the perfect place to hang your hat for an evening in London and to take a crap. The public loo is just up the stairs off the lobby and is very private and convenient. Two full stalls await you in this clean venue. A near perfect place to go!

User Friendliness = 5
Cleanliness = 5
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 4
Overall Rating = 5

The Borderline

This is a club that has seen most of the up and coming bands pass through (and go). I was there to see some excellent local bands I had discovered from previous trips. After the concert, which ended quite early (about 11 p.m.), the club turned into a rock/dance type place. They played great 80s type alternative rock and it was a fun and lively crowd. Entry prices and drinks were pretty reasonable by London standards. The crowd seemed to be everything from 18+ to folks in their 40s.

Considering the level of use that this toilet gets, it was better than expected. There were two stalls and the ever present urinal trough. As you can see from the photo, the dividers are solid walls and the toilet actually has a seat. Privacy was reasonably good and it would do in an emergency brought on by too many pints of stout. Handicrapping may be a little tough due to all sorts of narrow spaces. There may be separate facilities but I didn't see them. If anybody else knows, please email us.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 2.5
Overall Rating = 2

The Astoria/Mean Fiddler

Like most live performance venues, there is a drastic difference between the state of the facilities before the show and during and after (see Comedy Store below). This storied concert venue on just off the Tottenham Court Road tube stop has hosted almost every major concert act to come through London. It is a great place to see a concert but not to crap. There were four stalls and there was an attempt to keep them clean but during the show, expect a long line for the stalls and less than optimal conditions. Go early or skip this venue all together.

User Friendliness = 0
Cleanliness = .5
Privacy = 0
Facilities = 1.5
Overall Rating = .5

The British Museum

As you can see from the photograph, the Museum's toilets are reasonably clean and private including full walls dividing the stalls and a full wooden door. However, as the toilets are located in the main lobby (called the QEII Great Court), they can be very crowded and the 5-6 stalls can all be occupied.

There are two facilities on either side of the center structure of the Great Court which can be accessed by going down a long flight of stairs which could be challenging in an emergency. The Men's and Women's entrances can be a bit confusing so don't be surprised if you see women poking their heads in looking around for their refuge.

Handicrapping is available via a large single purpose restroom at the top of the stairs. The green paint scheme is a bit institutional which is too bad since the building is an architectural marvel and is very impressive. Overall, this is a good place to go when the need calls and rates a good solid 3 rolls on our 5 roll rating system.

www.thebritishmuseum.ac.uk

User Friendliness = 2.5
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3.5
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

Planet Hollywood

Always a treat from Prague to Miami to London. Plenty of stalls, clean with full doors with locks and real tiled walls seperating the shitters. Surprisingly good privacy despite the presence of a bathroom attendant (shown left) who was pretty cool agreeing to pose for this picture (cost me a pound). Of course, desperation from attack of red thai curry sauce helped rating. Click here to see the story.

User Friendliness = 5
Cleanliness = 5
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 5
Overall Rating = 4.5

Green Park

john is clean and well laid out. The doors of the stalls have lightly frosted windows, with plastic film to obscure the view, but the film has been removed, so you get a splendid view of customers strqining at stool.

User Friendliness = 4
Cleanliness = 4
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 3

The Comedy Store (Old)

This place started out as a solid 2 before the show but finished with a horrible trainspotting score after the show due mostly to the copious amount of vomit splattered about. The bathroom had five or six stalls but all were rendered useless from the puke and was very crowded due to too many guys drinking watered down drinks. (TMC)

User Friendliness = 1
Cleanliness = 0
Privacy = 1
Facilities = 1
Overall Rating = .5

The Comedy Store (New)

Has the previous reviewer actually ever been to the Comedy Store? Perhaps his review was on the Saturday late show at midnight? Every time I've ever been to the Store (at least 30 times) I've never had any problems. There are three gents cubicles, and at the start of the interval there is a short queue (one or two minutes - the ladies is longer) but the toilets are quite nice in my view. And it's possibly the best live comedy venue in the country, so go there anyway, folks! (From Reader)

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

The Mystery Crapper's Rebuttal - It is not often we get conflicting reviews from readers but we post them anyway. I agree that the Comedy Store is quite a fun place to spend the evening but I think they have moved to new digs. From their own web site "We`ve come a long way since we first opened our doors in London on 19 May 1979 above a strip club in Soho! Nowadays, The Comedy Store experience is a far cry from the cramped conditions of The Gargoyle Club where comics were forced to change in a broom cupboard and relieve themselves in a sink!"

www.thecomedystore.biz

Essex Serpent Pub

Very unusual crapper tucked into a room at the top of a narrow staircase. Window offers a nice view of the street and the opportunity to share with the tourists below. Nice solid crapping experience. Fish, chips, pint, crap, shop. Perfect for the tourist crowd being served.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

The Roundhouse Pub

Just off Covent Garden up from the Essex Serpent (see above), this tourist friendly pub saw a steady stream of American women in need of facilities. Noon ushers in locals in search of a pint. Make sure to try a pint of Theakston Old Peculiar bitter. One stall located downstairs has decent privacy and cleanliness. Easy access for visitors to Covent Garden. Fear not The Roundhouse Pub.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 2.5
Overall Rating = 3

McMullen's Pub

Another decent pub crapper found downstairs from the main floor. Decent privacy but shaky on the cleanliness. Contains two stalls, each with doors that lock. Make sure to locate the facilities before you order the bitter. Voted best place to wait out the rain on a Sunday afternoon in Soho when nothing else is open.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

The British Parliament

If you've ever watched CSPAN you may have seen the House of Commons in action. It is a rowdy, rauchous affair full of debate on important international issues as well as sometimes ridiculous local ones. But it is all great entertainment and to watch a bunch of grown men and women bickering with each other in this forum was an amazing experience.

To see democracy in action, you need to get in line early. Say about an hour before they are letting people in. Be prepared for a long wait. You will be required to go through a security check, sign waivers stating that you will not interupt the proceedings and check all cameras. As they only let 10 people in at a time to the House of Commons chamber, you may have a few minutes to wait inside. But don't think this is a good time to go because you may lose you place in line and there are many waiting to take it. So go in emergencies only. Note: If the Prime Minister is speaking, it may take an extra long time to get in to the chamber as most of the visitor spots are taken by VIPs and dignitaries.

As you can see from the photo, the toilets are quite modern and clean. They feature more traditional stall dividers and doors but since they are used so little, privacy is not a real problem. The facilities feature 2-3 stalls and are shared by visitors to both the House of Commons and Lords as they are located in a central rotunda with the entrances to both houses.

Handicrapping might be a little tight and there may be separate facilities available since this is a government facility.

We gave these crappers a lower score on the User Friendliness index because they may require a 1-2 hour wait in line outside before you can gain access to them. Other than that, it would be a good place to go and do your business of state. My advice for visitors of this facility would be to check out the schedules online at www.parliment.uk and get there early. Even better, use the facilities at our next stop before getting in line.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

The Red Lion Pub

Before going to Parliment, we made a pit stop for some food and pissing at the Red Lion Pub just down from Parliment. (A helpful index of pubs in London can be found at http://www.pubs.com and includes the following description from their site).

"As far as location is concerned the Red Lion is hard to beat, midway between the House of Commons and Downing Street. It is the closest and certainly the best pub near No.10. This is a classic turn-of-the- century pub. The long narrow ground floor bar has a counter and fittings of solid polished mahoganny. Glassware includes pretty etched and cut glass screens and mirrors. There are also some beautiful etched and cut mirrors.

Prints with a political theme cover the walls. The tv shows parliamentary broadcasts from the House (thankfully mute) and there's a division bell for those important votes, so MP's needn't miss a thing. This is a popular pub and always busy, particularly at lunchtimes. Finding a spot to eat can be difficult, however there is a dining room upstairs and a cellar bar."

The toilets are located on the second floor behind the dining room. It would be helpful to be a customer but the folks upstairs would never know that you didn't come from the bar area downstairs. Privacy is premium here because there is not much usage from the other patrons. However, there is only one crapper so its a little hit or miss. Cleanliness is quite acceptable (at least during the day) and this is a good place to eat then crap your fish and chips. As with most British pubs in old buildings, there is no handicrapping capability unless you are visiting with a very good friend who is going to carry your ass.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 3

Tate Britian Museum

By Jennifer Carlile, Reporter, MSNBC (Feb. 23, 2004 )
Reprinted from MSNBC.com

LONDON - Visitors to Britain will find a new stop on London’s site-seeing route this spring: a usable public toilet enclosed in one-way mirrored glass situated on a sidewalk near the River Thames. The contemporary art exhibit, which allows the user to see out while passers-by cannot peep in, toys with the concepts of privacy and voyeurism.

“I think there’d be a twinge of not believing that people outside couldn’t see you,” said Jeff Boloten, as he peered into the glass cube to see the metal prison toilet and its transparent walls.

The exhibit, entitled "Don’t Miss A Sec," is on display at a construction site across the road from Tate Britain, the national gallery of British art from 1500 to the present.

As museum-goers inquisitively press their noses to the reflective glass, and construction workers mill about, it isn't difficult to see why people would feel uneasy about using the glass outhouse.

'Playing with the idea of the most private bodily function and having to sit on a street corner is just bizarre.' — Jeff Boloten, Tate Britain employee

“Playing with the idea of the most private bodily function and having to sit on a street corner is just bizarre,” said Boloten, who works at the Tate Britain.

“The construction site makes it interesting because portable toilets are at construction sites all the time, but, the Tate Britain’s a respected institution; the juxtaposition makes it more unique,” he said.

Far from testing the viewers’ levels of embarrassment versus exhibitionism, the artist, Italian-born Monica Bonvicini, conceived of the idea while watching people at art openings. Amid the gossip and pageantry, nobody wanted to leave the room for fear of missing a key entrance or comment. The "Don’t Miss A Sec" exhibit -- which was unveiled in December -- reflects peoples’ reluctance to leave the spectacle, and allows the art-goer to remain in the action, even while on the toilet.

While some viewers meditate on the exhibit’s psychological and cultural implications others revert to telling potty jokes.

British dailies and art commentaries have also had fun with the subject: “Loo with a view” and “Bathroom humor in London” have been among the headlines.

Panoptican surveillance system
The use of the sterile prison toilet and sink unit stems from the fact that the site once housed the Millbank Penitentiary, where prisoners were held before being transported to Australia in the 1800s.

The prison's architect Jeremy Bentham had hoped to create a Panoptican, or all-seeing, surveillance system for the penitentiary.

His design envisioned a cylindrical central tower, from where a guard could see all the prisoners in their cells, which radiated out from the tower, without being seen himself.

Bentham believed that the knowledge that they were being watched would prevent prisoners from being disobedient, and that they would come to internalize the watchful eye and be able to act as their own guards if they were eventually released.

Although Bentham’s Panoptican was never realized, 21st century surveillance systems, like closed circuit television (CCTV), have taken on a similar role.

"Don’t Miss a Sec" turns the tables by taking the all-seeing power away from the camera and giving it to the person on the toilet, while letting them remain invisible to the world.

But peoples' fears of being seen with their pants down still hold strong.

In 2000, a pair of self-proclaimed performance artists caused an uproar when they relieved themselves on artist Marcel Duchamp's 1917 sculpture of a urinal, on display at London's Tate Modern gallery.

But, even with full permission to defecate on Bonvicini's work of art, Britons and tourists alike tend to shy away from the challenge.

Considering that four-man outdoor urinals are a frequent site in the U.K. capital, some may question the need for nerves. And in some cultures using the toilet is not considered a private matter at all. In fact, it was common for ancient Greek aristocrats to discuss political and business affairs while attending to their own "personal business" in communal bathrooms.

Whatever one's take on toilet etiquette, visitors "Don't Miss A Sec" while viewing, or using, this exhibit.

User Friendliness = 5
Cleanliness = 5
Privacy = 5
Facilities = 5
Overall Rating = 5

The Tower of London

Where else in the world can you take a dump just yards away from where Anne Boleyn and so many others got their heads chopped off. Take a crap in true Henry VIII style in this basic, clean crapper with two stalls, each with full doors and locks. The Tower is by far the coolest tourist attraction in London. Make sure to tag along on a free guided tour given by the Beefeaters (Yeoman Warders) who are all retired shitkicking Sargeant Majors from the British military and are all tough as nails and funny as shit. It is also one of the best tourist values in town as London is one of the most expensive cities in the world. (Note: On a recent visit in 2005, prices had gone up a bit and a new ticket facility was built. Go early or be prepared for long lines.)

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

The Duke of York Pub

Good solid British crapping here. Facilities offer a full door and a clean, wooden seat. Door has good gap coverage and a lock. Watch for toilet sculptures. Great place to grab some fish and chips and a pint while waiting for your train.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

Harrods

My daughter and I ate at the fish bar and gave the attendant a $4 tip, She gave us tokens to the executive women's washroom on the 4th floor. My daughter had to take a crap but couldn't because of the stall attendants (there were five of them). Two women who wanted to use the executive facilities couldn't because they didn't have tokens. They grumbled that we must have wiped the Queen's bum in order to get the tokens. We left the attendant another $2 tip, and she gave us a token with no expiry date on it. I have yet to use it.

UserFriendliness: 2
Cleanliness: 5
Privacy: 0
Facilities: 3
OverallScore: 2
Handicrapping: Yes
Attendant: Yes

Atlantis Gallery

The toilets were located in a couple different places. The first one is up a considerable staircase to the upper floor where the main exhibit is located. The restroom opens up to a large area that confusingly splits off into male and female sectors. There are a number of stalls available but their condition is a bit suspect. Steel seats and dicey cleanliness are a factor. At night, privacy was good and the stalls have complete floor to ceiling dividers and doors. Then when you leave, there is a communal washing basin with one used bar of soap.

Your better bet is the restroom on the ground floor on the way out. It is smaller, offering only two stalls, but it is normal and is mostly overlooked by visitors on their way out.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2.5
Facilities = 1.5
Overall Rating = 2

Underworld (Camden Town)

The Underworld is a live music venue with seemingly good acts on a consistent basis. Be aware that after the live performances wrap up at 10 pm the bouncers kick everyone out and the place reopens as a nightclub. Features a full stall, metal seat and reasonable privacy considering.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

O'Neill's (Shepherds Bush)

This is a chain of London pubs. The best place for a cold Guiness. A good safe place to go when duty calls.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

The Walkabout (Shepherds Bush)

This is a crazy and fun Aussie pub and live music venue next to O'Neill's on the Green. Always a party and packed to the gills. Don't count on this for anything but beer and idiots. If you have to go, venture next door to O'Neill's.

User Friendliness = 0
Cleanliness = 0
Privacy = 0
Facilities = 0
Overall Rating = 0

The Green (Shepherds Bush)

On Shepherd's Green, this lovely lounge is the perfect place for a quiet conversation, a nice drink and a crap.

User Friendliness = 4
Cleanliness = 4
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 4
Overall Rating = 4

Hampton Court Palace

To get here, take the railway train from the Waterloo tube stop directly to the Hampton Court stop. Make sure to have a ticket for Zone 6. During Winter this place is pretty quiet. It all changes in Summer. However, there are numerous facilities available, including handicrapping. It can be cold in Winter and you will definitely get a draft as the facility is a bit open air.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

Pizza Express (Hampton Court)

Located across from Hampton Court train station and with a view of Hampton Court Palace, this is a nice, friendly place to have a decent meal, relax and enjoy the view. Loos are located upstairs and are well suited for the task. Very clean and private.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

Charlton Football Club Stadium

Located in a Southeastern suburb of London called Charlton, this nice football stadium can be reached easily by railway train from the London Bridge tube stop. The facilities are a bit open air so watch out in winter but otherwise not bad for a stadium.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 2.5
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2.5

Heathrow Airport

Usually busy, there are plenty of stalls to handle the incredible amount of traffic that flows through this airport. However, with all the curry eaters around, beware of messy seats. Definitely plan on putting down the layer of TP on the seat but feel free to let it rip because the other 30 people next to you aren't holding back. Stalls offer decent privacy but that is really a low priority considering the setting. Not great but have no fear to go here.

User Friendliness = 2.5
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2.5
Facilities = 2.5
Overall Rating = 2.5

The Pump Room

Crap with the ancient Romans in Bath. This crapper is in the restaurant just off the famous Roman baths. Features multiple stalls with medium privacy and cleanliness. No frills but there isn't much else available. Kind of tough to locate so make sure you find it before drinking the spa waters (which taste like shit FYI).

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

Stonehenge

Now you too can crap where ancient and modern druids do. Stonehenge provides a number of facilities with decent cleanliness and privacy. Not bad considering the millions of tourists who crap here. Plus, it is the only facility for about two hours in any direction. Stonehenge is in the middle of nowhere, but is an interesting place to try to pick up slutty eastern European tourist chicks or get in a fight with your ex-wife who isn't impressed that you interrupted her shopping to drag her out into a cow pasture to look at some rocks and then flirt with slutty eastern European tourist chicks from the other bus.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

Judy's Bar

A great place to crap but mind the crabs.
(From CQ Reader)

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 5
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 4

Bus Depot

I am from Canada, and went to the UK to visit a mate. I had to catch a coach back to Wolvermahpton. Suddenly I needed to have a big shit, So I went to bloke in the gage and asked him if he had a toilet, his reply yas if ya can use it. My mate had gone back home and bus was not due for another 30 minuets. My guts where twitching and I was farting a lot, that stank like a sewer. I had to walk away from the rest of the people because my arse was exploding with farts that made their eye's water. I decided to chance the experience and find the crapper. After a few minuets of exploration I found it. The first that struck me was the smell, the door was open, then I discovered that there was no door. there was green wall with brown streaks running from top to bottom. These streaks was shit, that had been hand painted over the sickly green wall. Then I discovered that there was no seat, it was gone. The white rim was also brown. I thought that I would wipe it with some paper. Guess what, no paper. I was getting desperate by now and I knew that if I did go soon I would shit myself. I kind of toddled back to the ticket guy and asked him if he had a seat and toilet paper. He said that they do not put seats, doors or paper in the bogs, as the tramps swipe them at night. So I asked him if I could have a few sheets of his paper. He said no, we only have enough for our shift. I said I pay him a few bob for a roll and would he sell me some . Again no, it's against the rules. I explained the condition of the bogs has he called it, he said I'm well aware of that. I said you cannot expect people to use those facilities for a crap. He replied we don't, they go on the bus. I said I could not wait for the f--king bus, I will shit my self. He said what a pity and closed his window. I called him a prick, and went back to the shitter. I managed to balance my self on the rim stooping down with my feet on each side and let go. There was a huge gush of shit that went into the bogs and I was relived. I thought at least I flush it. Guess again the tramps had swiped the handle. I left the place full of shit and thought right you bastards, swipe that. I kept the ticket and wrote to the bus company when I returned to Canada, I told them how disgusting their shitter was. I did not hear from them. (From CQ Reader)

UserFriendliness: 0
Cleanliness: 0
Privacy: 0
Facilities: 0
OverallScore: 0