The Mystery Crapper in Prague at the site of the Velvet Revolution (this has nothing to do with this story)

The No Wiper in Prague
by DC DAWG

I was travelling through Europe and stopped in Prague for a while. One night I head to this club over by the Charles Bridge. I was with these other guys I had met in my hotel and we were having a great time looking at the ladies
and drinking the beers. Amazingly, the beers cost me about a dime a piece. I was happier than a puppy with two peckers when I found this out so I decided to drink like the alcoholic I always wanted to be. Beer after Beer I drink
and the fattest people in the bar are looking better. So, I decide that it is time for me to take a whirl on the dance floor. Unfortunately, I was so bombed that I couldn't even hold the wall up. Now, I must explain, I am very tall and I have a good tolerance. As well, when I have gotten really drunk in the past I just lean up on that wall and I am fine. Well, this was not going to be my night to shine. I quickly grabbed a fella in my group and informed him that I was walking back to the place.

Happily, I stumble out the door and get blasted with this nice Artic wind that wakes me up and makes me realize I have a turd brewing in me the size of a Dump Truck! In the back of my drunken mind I keep quoting my mantra, "Get to the Hotel!" Staggering and swaying all over the streets I make my journey home, unfortunately, it is something like 20 minutes walking...45 Loaded!

Closing the gap I approach the Prague Opera House. What I think might be a 50000 PSI Fart turns into not just a turtle head, but a turtle shell trying to poke out. Now, I am a rational person and I think I can make the last 5 minutes until I can reach the hotel and take care of business. WRONG! Somehow, my stomach turned where all the contents were peeking out my ass and wanting to paint the world. I look ahead and the street that bisects off of the main street by the opera house has this Arch Way over it. To my luck, the designs of these arches are constructed with little nooks that have no light getting in and noone can see you. I look behind me...noone. I look ahead...noone. I run to this little darkened corner and proceed to lay a 1\6th scale map of the Sahara right on the sidewalk. Even though it is still freezing I start sweating. I cannot believe how much weight I have lost. About to reach back and grab the bandana out of my back pocket to clean me somewhat, I look up and see a Cop Car roll by one small block away. A defining moment in manhood just arrived.

Scared out of my mind, I quickly pull up the pants...minus the wipe...and start walking very fast to the hotel. I am only 5 minutes away. There can not be that much damage and especially if I walk with clinched cheeks! Finally, the hotel is a block away and I start the skip sprint. I get through the door and sprint to the room. I undressed as fast as I did the
first time I had sex...lightning fast, and inspected the skid mark. Thankfully, not that bad, but a washing in the shower was needed, let alone for my dookie smeared body! I run into the shower, crank the water to SCALDING level and sat there for a good 30 minutes, washing my boxers and my butt!

When I woke the next morning, removed the axe from my head and started my day I was excited to see if my token of love was still there for the world to see. Me and the guys I ditched at the club head out for the day. As we approached the site I start telling them about staggering home the night before. Then as we reach the space I point and say, "Oh Yeah, I took a Shit there as well!" Both of them freak out and start photgraphing the scene of the crime! To my dismay, there was no Turd Laying there hoping to be claimed by me. Better yet, there was a Shit Stain so big I even shocked myself in realizing that I shat a family of three!

I left Prague a few days later and have never been back. Will I? You never know, but there will always be a place in my heart and bowels for Prague!